Once I scheduled/reserved the time, it hit me. I began to feel nervous and scared. What should I expect? Will it be as epic as others’ experiences? Will I die on the way? Will it be a disappointment? As I tried to sleep, I kept trying to imagine what this time would be like with Him. It, to my surprise, felt like the night before a big day; you know, the anticipation of a big event/holiday (party, Christmas, test results). Why was I so jacked up about this?
When I woke up for good the day of (after waking up several times that morning to check the time) I was even more nervous. My stomach was even hurting! I felt foolish because I knew that I was being over-dramatic. I realized I was expecting everything and nothing all at once. What does that even mean?! Driving there I decided to pray because I was slightly convinced that I might die/or something of the like would happen on the way; I prayed that I wouldn’t come with these huge expectations, that He would take my nervousness, I prayed that I would be open to what He had to say. I felt a little better and I made it there without dying, so that’s good.
Once I arrived, I got uber nervous again. And as I walked in the (phenomenal) room, I realized why I had been feeling so anticipatory and antsy, this was a date! As I walked around the room, the Lord affirmed me in the love He has for me. He loves me and wants me and knows me…and that’s what every human pines for. The time we spent together was pure and beautiful; He gently reminded me of His greatness and strength. He reminded me of who I am in His eyes. Incidentally, who I am in His eyes is all that matters, but I don’t always act that way. He didn’t do all the talking, I shared with Him my feeling/hurts/desires…but no questions. Lately, my mind has been filled with tons of “why’s?”, the self-pityish kind, but on this date I felt no need to voice them, not because He wasn’t listening, but because I rested in His sovereignty. As we communicated with one another it was as if our breath mingled with one another, His words became mine and it was hard to tell when His words ended and when mine began. Strange and wonderful.
This time with my Lover reminded me of who I am, I am His beloved, I am His child. It reminded that He has a plan and my future is secure in His hands and that although I have no concrete sense of my future, He’s faithful and will be in it. I am my beloved and my beloved is mine.